Solomon, the wisest man who ever lived said, “There is a time to weep…” I am weeping in the inside but there is no sound. I want to weep but there is no time or place. Matt 8:20 records the words of Jesus, “Foxes have holes and birds have nests but the Son of God has no place to lay His head.” I’m sure He laid His head somewhere every night but it wasn’t His place. In the last five months I have not laid my head in a place I could call my own very often.
I feel that I am supposed to look after my brother’s needs right now, so I have a sense of purpose which could carry me through. But there is a battle going on, so each day carries it’s own set of circumstances designed to keep me on my toes. In desperation I finally made time for a quiet time with my Devotional book and my Bible, each morning before facing the world. It’s making a difference in my attitude. I lay it all out before the Lord, He knows what I need and He has a plan for my life. My brother’s life and circumstances are not a surprise to my Father and He will work out everything for his good as well.
Yesterday, in my devotional, I read about the Israelites being attacked by the Amalekites when they were in the desert. I couldn’t help but see a similarity. The Amalekites descended from Amalek, the grandson of Esau, and the Israelites descended from Jacob (name changed to Israel). Jacob and Esau were brothers, so their descendants were cousins. The problems that have surfaced for me have been “people” problems. Relatives with their own agendas who bring forth ideas that show they have no concept of my brothers mental and physical state. I shoot holes in their ideas and I am told I am mean and nasty. I guess I am.
Besides that, the visitors are few and far between. And when we are asking for help, people will help as long as it does not cost them something, time or money (for parking.) Sometimes I look around at the world and I think, “This is not forever.” The world and all that people are building in their lives, is not forever. I’m looking forward to my final rest from the battle. I’m glad this world is not my home. All that I have accumulated will be rubble, it won’t matter.
My brother is going to be moved into Residential care. He can no longer care for himself. It bothers him that he can’t remember and he can’t think. He wouldn’t wash himself or change his clothes if he wasn’t told to. Sometimes he carries on a good conversation and you would not believe there is anything wrong although he could tell you something that was not true. I found some of his writings. He wrote about his childhood and also his feelings during some important events in his life. Someday I may reveal a little of his heart. I feel sad for the wasted life he lived, some because of his choices and some because of choices made for him.
So, I have let down some of my hair. But I do not wish to leave on a “down” note. I know that we are promised tribulation in this world but Jesus said, “Be of good cheer (and He didn’t mean wine), I have overcome the world.” In other words, my victory over the troubles comes from Him. Jesus was led by the Spirit in the desert and He was also led out of the desert by the same Spirit to minister to people. Maybe I can help someone else along the way. I can comfort someone with the comfort i have received.